Episode 9: Four Weeks of Rebirth - Week 3
In week 3, I will touch on how I cultivate calm. I’ve been thinking about this one in depth this week and realised that certain factors have contributed to why I am generally known for being calm and “laid back” yet passionate simultaneously. It is a combination of nature and nurture. I am inward, and as much as I am highly emotional with a wide range of intense feelings, I accept what is. Acknowledging, accepting, and embracing what is, has been the cornerstone of why I am generally firmly grounded.
Another point to consider is that I have also learnt to be forgiving of myself. I make mistakes, falter, fall, and get misled just like everyone else, but I do not make it my personality or identity. I view events in life as just that, events! They may occur to me or around me, but they are not me. By not closely identifying with occurrences and knowing the difference between “I failed today” and “I am a failure,” I can compartmentalize events and occurrences correctly without losing the plot. This is possible if you allow yourself to be present. Attaching valuable and constructive traits after “I AM…” can allow you the flexibility to traverse the world easily. How you speak about yourself is essential to avoid getting yourself in unnecessary ruts.
Say you’re experiencing a dead end. Things are not going your way. You are not seeing how you can get out of a sticky situation. In such instances, simply identify the event; and if you are going to make any declarations about yourself relative to the event, make them constructive.
Example:
Destructive self-talk: I lost my job. I am so confused. Every single time I think I’m okay, something terrible happens. I am a failure. Nothing works out for me. I am so depressed. I want to die.
Constructive self-talk: I lost my job. It is such a confusing situation. Life is full of unexpected challenges. I couldn’t get the result I was hoping to get here, and I feel demotivated. I am going to rest now. I will solve this once I am out of this awful state of mind.
It’s not about not experiencing negative self-talk or not experiencing uncomfortable life events. Eventually, you panic less and less until you hardly speak negatively to yourself. In the beginning, once you identify that you speak untruths in your mind, let it happen. Do not suppress or judge it. HOWEVER, correct it immediately to a more constructive tone! IMMEDIATELY. It will take a lot of energy, and you will correct yourself a lot at first, but if you’re consistent and stick to it for as long as it takes, you will get better at it, and you will eventually only (or primarily) speak respectfully and honestly with yourself.
That’s not to say that I do not lose my cool or that I don’t experience states of crisis and stress. I am human, and stress, occasional crises, hurt, and fear are part of life. However, I have taught myself how to temper my emotions by facing them, feeling them thoroughly and constructively identifying them, thus using them as learning moments.
I don’t lose my temper and have outbursts because my life is easier or better. People who know me see this cool, calm and collected person and often ask how I am this way. A question I get is, “Do you ever get angry or upset?” This always amuses me because I do get plenty angry and upset! I am a passionate person, and my feelings are strong! When I experience unfair treatment, when I am overwhelmed or experience loss, I feel it all deeply. I have taught myself strategies to understand my emotions enough not to let them destabilise me or those around me. And, because of how my brain works by nature, I also work well under pressure, remain calm in crises and function optimally despite any chaos around me, as long as I take care of myself sufficiently and rest regularly. Cultivating calm is simply knowing how and why you feel that way and honouring those feelings enough to express them truthfully with respect for yourself and others. Emotional regulation is respect for the self and those around us. (This does not include children because their brains have not developed to a point where they can emotionally regulate!)
Mamlambo
Mamlambo is a deity in South African and Zulu mythology, the "goddess of rivers",[1] described as a large snake-like creature. Similar deities exist in Africa namely, Mami Wata, Water deities that represent the mind archetypally.
My ability to not panic in crises but rather to have a healthy and self-preserving fear that assists in constructive moves to solve problems is enhanced by the strategies I employ daily in my life, like meditation, contemplation, healthy living, enjoyment of beauty and self-care (which I will delve into deeper next week). This means that when I am faced with a crisis or an issue, I am so aware of what is taking place in the situation that it becomes almost impossible to make it more than what it is or less than what it is. Then, by adding philosophical thinking as a general practice in my life, I tend to understand the bigger picture, and I am instantly aware of the energy dynamics at play. This helps me manoeuvre myself with ease and calm through anything life throws at me without losing my stability and manageability of life.
Being an artist is a massive part of how I remain calm. Through artistic expression, I can cultivate peace by communing with my mind without judgment. By painting, writing or making music, I can access that part of myself that sees the bigger picture simultaneously with the details. My creativity has allowed me to exist in a dichotomous place where I can see my truth easily. However, that is my tool. For those who aren’t artistically inclined, the strategies I will share in my newsletter will also work for you. Whether you are an academic, a personal trainer, a shop assistant, a lawyer or a bus driver, there are ways to cultivate calm through this unpredictable environment we live in.
Have a Lovely Week Ahead,
Tanya
xo
Toxic Positivity
On your journey to cultivating calm and peace, remember that the journey is about authenticity. This work is not about seeming positive and calm but about being positive and truly balanced in self-love and respect for yourself and the world around you. The work is about being glad even when no one is there to see it.
